Here’s how I’m effected by the passing of Aaron Swartz. Depression is a real problem in our world. 8 years ago I attempted suicide because of a major health crisis and I failed. It took me months to recover. And I’m not sure I ever completely recovered emotionally.

Over the years I’ve struggled with bouts of depression. Last year especially so, even though things have been looking up for me both financially and with my business. I’ve taken on more responsibility and feel like I’m at a place I haven’t been in 5 or 6 years. Yet, I struggled and grew more depressed even with more success. Loneliness and depression tore at my soul more so this year than most. Yet, at this very moment I’m surrounded by people who care. I know it’s not a long term solution, but for now I’m in a good place.

I’m grateful for life. And the opportunities I have to create on the web, and to connect with people in the real world. Yet, tonight I’m saddened by the passing of Aaron Swartz because it’s a constant reminder of my own battles, and my own human fraility and struggle with depression.

RIP Aaron. You will be missed.

I put up a quote yesterday from a book I’m reading called Flinch, by Julien Smith. It’s a challenging book and it’s free on Amazon.

Here’s another powerful quote:
“It’s time you found out what you are made of.
It’s time you made the world flinch, not the other way around.

Fact: Those who face the flinch make a difference. The rest do not.

Those who leave the corridors find new frontiers, avenues for growth and happiness
that most never encounter, while the rest will be left in old deserts, like vultures picking
on scraps.

Facing the flinch, and being willing to get the scars that come with it, is the only thing
that divides your present from your future. Those who fight it are easily identified—you
can see the fire in their eyes and the determination that practically courses through
them. Their determination is like an aura; it can be felt just by being near them.”

My whole life I’ve been flinching. Allowing the world to make me flinch.
When there’s so much more I could be. So much more than I am.

All my experiences in my life all of the things I have overcome are a result of this defining principle.

I flinch.
Yes, many difficult things I have overcome.
But so have many people.
But often I have flinched.
And when I do it always hurts.

It hurts my heart. It causes problems even if for a moment.
Yes, people have given up on me.
So what ? We all have to pick ourselves up and move forward.
Yes, I’ve struggled in my life, and yet I’m still doing just fine.
Moving forward, and growing as a person.

The only regret I have in this life however is…

I flinch.

I mean I know we all do.
But the greatest moments in my life, the things I’m most proud of are when I’m not flinching.

And right now is one of those moments. I am going to stop flinching.
I need to live the life I desire. The only way to do that is to STOP.

Seize life with everything I have and become who I need to become. Now that the fire has burned away all that I do not want to be, I can become whoever I want.

And so the door opens, and onward I go…

So, do you flinch ?

For four days and four nights the rain continued to fall upon our courtyard.
For four days and four nights the tears fell from the windows of my soul into the ground below.

For a day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years is as a day.
Maybe it is you who does not understand time, and maybe it is I who does.

The struggles of this fortnight are mere opportunities to seize success.
But alas too many people see them as suffering and embrace the suffering.

Would you rather embrace suffering ?
Or would you rather dig the wells of success ?

For four days and four nights I dug the wells of success.
For four days and four nights I let go of my suffering.

And what I discovered was that everyone is offered this choice.
To embrace suffering, or to embrace the opportunities of success…

Four days. Four nights.

The choice is yours.

“We all have our time machines, don’t we. Those that take us back are memories…And those that carry us forward, are dreams.” ― H.G. Wells

I took a serious step forward in 2012. I’m proud of myself. I’m gaining my focus back. Especially toward the last few months of 2012. 2010-2011 were tough years. But they were formable years. Years of struggle. Years of maturity. Years I spent out of the game.

2012 was pretty awesome. I got a lot done all considering how miserable 2009-2011 were.

I Started A New Business
It was an up and down 2012 business wise. But I started something and I’m committed to it for the long haul. Which feels great. Bryghten, is a handful of affiliate websites that generate leads for online colleges and universities. Some of the profits get funneled back to investors. 25% gets funneled back to me to cover salary and expenses, and the rest goes to building schools in the developing world. I fully expect 2013 to be pretty amazing for Bryghten and our impact.

I Transitioned Away From Consulting
I spent most of 2011 doing consulting. It was hard. It was miserable for me. So much uncertainty, working in someone else’s office, on someone else’s projects. It’s not my forte. I managed to get away from that in 2012 and it created a lot more happiness in my life as well as freedom.

I Spent Most of the year in Mazatlan
I spent most of 2012 in Mazatlan about 9 months actually. It was amazing. But in many ways it was a learning experience. Friends came and friends went. Ups came and downs came. But all in all it was great to be in one place for a considerable amount of time.

I Ended the year with net positive in Savings
For the first time in a few years I ended December with cash in the bank, and a positive financial outlook with all my projects. The key really is spending less and less, and reinvesting in my websites. Giving up on smaller projects and focusing on the bigger more profitable ones seems to be the answer to my long term financial success.

I Learned to Play Texas Holdem
I sepnt the last
few months of the year learning Texas holdem. It’s a fun hobby when I need something to distract me from my normal work routines. It also seemed to keep my mind fresh. It’s a hobby I plan to keep doing, even if just to keep my mind active when I’m not working.

I Overcame a pattern of health disasters
Since 2007 I seemingly battle a string of health disasters, and 2012 looked like I was going to have some struggles after a rough 2011 but with a focus on eating better, and exercising more I managed to steer clear of any disasters. I hope to continue this pattern into 2013.

Thoughts on Next Year

Work
I’m really focused right now on working about twice as much as I did this year. I feel like I’m in a healthy groove. I’m loving what I do. And while my workflows aren’t always 100% successful and efficient I’m making solid progress on many fronts. I look forward to striving to reach my bigger goals and letting go of my smaller work goals.

Relationships
Dating was something I was very inefficient with last year. I had 2 girlfriends, one of which was pretty awesome at times, and unstable some of the time. And in the end her irrational behavior scared the bejesus out of me. Don’t worry she was American. My other girlfriend was a real sweetheart but we had our testy moments in the end I realized it just wasn’t working out. And nor was it going to last long term. This year I plan to pretty much spend about 1% of my energy looking for a new relationship. I know I’m not getting any younger but honestly for the next 4 years my focus is going to be on my business development. I don’t expect to develop a long term anything in 2013. But you never know in years past when it was a larger focus of my life nothing came of it. Now that I am determined to leave dating behind something make come of it. And so be it.

In Conclusion
I am really looking forward to business growth, and personal growth in 2013. I seemingly have found new energy again and that really excites me. Like, a lot. I don’t think I’ve had these energy levels since 2006. That’s a great sign of success as that was one of my better years.